“People travel to wonder at the height of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars; and they pass by themselves without wondering.”~St. Augustine
Lately I have been doing a lot of self reflection, and no it is not because of the New Year 2012 it's because I feel like I have made some enormous changes in my life in a very short period of time. I think everyone knows the feeling, it's where everything is changing around you and you feel like your watching it in slow motion unable to alter anything in your course. And while, this post is not especially applicable to a travel themed blog, I think it presents the real behind the scenes feelings that I am going through as a part of these very big changes. I have had this feeling/life crisis before when I graduated from high school and went into my first semester of college. I felt more than completely out of my element, I didn't feel equipped to be able to complete what was ahead of me, I thought to myself “how the hell am I going to get a bachelor's degree”...and eventually when I took it a day at a time I did, and to my surprise I graduated with honors. And yet the full magnitude of accomplishing one of my life goals feels almost like it never happened.
And today, here I am again, my thought process this time being, “oh dear god what did I get myself into, now I have to get a Masters Degree and I don't even know how I got the first one, probably some combination of luck, the universities low standards, the teachers just liked me, or I had to work harder than everyone else just to get by”...you know any excuses I could use in order to avoid taking the credit for myself.
In my mind, right now, I am walking the fine line between having self-confidence/owning up to my successes and arrogance. And academics has not been the only area in my life I have felt inadequate...I do it all the time...I am doing it as I am typing....C-R-I-T-I-Q-U-I-N-G every...single...little....word! Yes, I did just spell check critiquing. And if your reading this and nodding your head in agreement, you fall within the statistical norm of the 70 percent of the worlds population that have imposter syndrome (Valerie Young).
If this is your first time hearing about the imposter syndrome it's a psychological phenomenon where people are unable to internalize their accomplishments (Clance, Imes, Ament, 1978), this causes the individual to feel imposter like symptoms. However this is not an official psychological disorder, it is more so a term to help describe how millions of people in the world feel. The following is a good definition of imposter syndrome: “Despite external evidence of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be” (Valerie Young).
The book I have been reading is called “The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women: Why Capable People Suffer from the Imposter Syndrome and How to Thrive in Spite of it”. It's about recognising when you are placing excuses in front of your successes to hide your talents, and no, people do not do this intentionally. Imposter syndrome is most likely a factor of how you grew up, where you came from, your race, sex, or class. These are things ingrained in your psyche, and most likely not, originally anyway, enforced by you. Overtime these feelings can absolutely become self limiting. A lot of women especially do not live up to their full potentials out of the fear of failure and the general feeling that whatever situation they put themselves in, they still don't feel like they belong there.
So, I have not finished the book, I have only just gotten through the first 5 chapters, things like homework keep getting in the way. However I do believe I have made steps forward in reducing the impact this disorder has on my life...the fact that I am publicly blogging about it and recognising that yes I have imposter syndrome...and yes I have self-limiting feelings almost daily. I have recognized the following about myself academically that I am learning to be conscious of...
-I avoid asking questions on homework out of the fear that my professor or peers will “find out how stupid I am”. I know how dumb this sounds, but yes I do it. My book put this into perspective by reminding me 1. I do pay my tuition and 2. “I am a student, I am supposed to feel stupid”!
-It's reminding me to put the feelings that I have contextually rather than personally. Search for a reason why someone may have made the comment they did logically, rather than quickly assuming the reason someone said that is a sign of your ineptness or inadequacy.
-It's not always “all in my head”. These feelings are especially common for academic women. It cited a study by Christine Wenneras and Agnes Wold where their findings indicated that women literally have to work 2.5 times harder, produce 2.5 times more research or published work to receive the same competence scores as male applicants. They did this by investigating the research grant system of the Sweedish Medical Council. (And don't kid your self, both men and WOMEN can be sexist.)
More examples of real life, really successful people who have the imposter syndrome.
Former White House staff Dee Dee Myers:
She was given all the responsibilities of the White House Secretary, except a few key things like one of her fellow male collegues would handle the daily briefings (she was a back up briefer), she received the smaller office next to his, while he received the highest rank as the presidents assistant and she received a lower salary. (It makes sense why this women would feel like an imposter.)
Mike Myers: “I still believe that at any time the No-Talent Police will come and arrest me.”
Meryl Streep: gets “cold feet” before every new project and told a reporter in 2002, “I don’t know how to act anyway, so why am I doing this?”
Jodi Foster: “I thought it [winning the Oscar] was a fluke. The same way as when I walked on the campus at Yale. I thought everybody would find out, and they’d take the Oscar back.”
So, here is a much needed shout out to myself and all the other imposters out there.
“Because I am good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me” ~Stuart Smalley
(Yes I did just use humor to cover up my talents, but hey I am recognising what I am doing to myself, I just have not made it to the chapters on how to eradicate my imposter like behaviour. Cut me some slack!)
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